Hey Luigi, I haven't read the piece about your Dad yet, but I wonder now how it will feel to read it with this insight (yes, some of which you'd alluded to in other places). I think I like to know that backstory, and it *is* hard to tell a story that has multiple layers of truth. I struggle with this stuff too, but I find that ultimately the writing is better when you've really analysed your reasons, as well as the truces you are prepared to make and when. I think the patriarchy and the war and culture and religion etc has damaged a lot of men, and they in turn hurt their sons. As a mother of sons, as a sister, as a daughter, as an ex-partner of a man who'd been hurt by his Dad in ways he still can't unpack.... I see it and experience it too.
Hey Nadine, thanks for your comments. Sadly there are things I don't feel able to write about, for example the sexual abuse of one of my sisters. And stories my mother is only now telling me about, and how scared she was to confront him, because he had her totally thinking that she was incapable of living without him. All guys got hidings in those days, and sometimes they were appropriate in terms of how kids were brought up in that era, but most of the abuse I got, like my mother, was psychological. That's not appropriate in any era. I can talk about my father who's gone, my mother (as long as we agree on the 'truth', which we do), and myself. But I can't talk about someone in the family who may still be alive, who changed her name and identity. For my part, I avoided long standing close relationships during my youth and later made strong commitments that I would not continue the pattern if I did, both in relation to my partner and kids. When I had my first serious relationship and was cheated on 6-7 years in, I severed that relationship so fast. I did break the cycle, but yes, all those years later, I still feel it. I did honour my commitments and have a wonderful loving family, by design and with mutual intent.
Hey Luigi, I haven't read the piece about your Dad yet, but I wonder now how it will feel to read it with this insight (yes, some of which you'd alluded to in other places). I think I like to know that backstory, and it *is* hard to tell a story that has multiple layers of truth. I struggle with this stuff too, but I find that ultimately the writing is better when you've really analysed your reasons, as well as the truces you are prepared to make and when. I think the patriarchy and the war and culture and religion etc has damaged a lot of men, and they in turn hurt their sons. As a mother of sons, as a sister, as a daughter, as an ex-partner of a man who'd been hurt by his Dad in ways he still can't unpack.... I see it and experience it too.
Hey Nadine, thanks for your comments. Sadly there are things I don't feel able to write about, for example the sexual abuse of one of my sisters. And stories my mother is only now telling me about, and how scared she was to confront him, because he had her totally thinking that she was incapable of living without him. All guys got hidings in those days, and sometimes they were appropriate in terms of how kids were brought up in that era, but most of the abuse I got, like my mother, was psychological. That's not appropriate in any era. I can talk about my father who's gone, my mother (as long as we agree on the 'truth', which we do), and myself. But I can't talk about someone in the family who may still be alive, who changed her name and identity. For my part, I avoided long standing close relationships during my youth and later made strong commitments that I would not continue the pattern if I did, both in relation to my partner and kids. When I had my first serious relationship and was cheated on 6-7 years in, I severed that relationship so fast. I did break the cycle, but yes, all those years later, I still feel it. I did honour my commitments and have a wonderful loving family, by design and with mutual intent.